I'm sitting here, in the final moments of a job process, waiting for the phone to ring to find out if I got the job i so desperately need and want. I have made the final transfer from the savings account. I'm broke, in more ways than one.
I keep praying the end is in sight. I keep hoping that the universe is tired of this game, and ready for a new one. I keep hoping I've been fortified enough from this experience to be allowed to move on. But then I get scared that, no, actually, the road is so much longer than I thought.
I know I should enjoy this expanse of free time. I know I should catch up on all sorts of projects. But I'm better when I'm busy. Those that have doubted this fact need only witness the past few months and note my increasing inability to leave my bed in the morning. I'm not good at giving myself deadlines and schedules when they only matter to me. I can put anything off if I'm the only one it matters to. Thus, I'm a good group-member. I'll do anything for the group.
I sit here, in my pajamas, having gotten up "early" so as not to be totally lethargic all day, and wonder if change comes after I change, or if the change will change me. I know what the answer to that is, but I'm running out of steam, and options. I feel like I've been backed into a corner, and i hate that feeling. I'm in the corner of a very big empty room, it feels.
Today, I'll be going to the lake, I think. I'll sit, and write, and ponder and perhaps take some pictures. I wager that the biggest, most self-discovering stuff will happen now, when I'm completely empty and I have to find the true mettle, at the bottom of my tired, tired self.
I know, the next step is to just start running toward something, anything at all.
I wonder when my luck will change. I still hope the phone will ring and I'll get the news I'm hoping for. I guess i'm just tired. Dunno. Maybe should just sit and read and find perspective. Or just go back to applying for more jobs.
How did I get here? What is going on?
just good stories, right?
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1 comment:
My sweet friend. Hang in there. Believe me I can empathize. It's been something like 10 months since they gave me that blasted PhD and I'm every bit as unemployed now as I was then. I too find it next to impossible to schedule a productive day when I know the next day will be just as empty and fruitless as the day before. The only reason I get up at a respectable hour each day is to make breakfast for the Mrs. I enjoy getting to see her before she leaves for work, and I'm sure she'd eventually resent it if every day she went off to work while I slept the day away. Other things (beside my wife) that have kept me sane during my unemployment: cooking, baking, attempting to learn guitar, watching entirely too much TV (I love The Wire), and volunteering at my church. Also, the other day, I got really really bored and decided to make a video tribute to all the companies that have rejected me in recent months. I think I'm at like 80 companies and 160 different positions. So, if you need a laugh, check my blog out! Anyway, the moral of the story is - you can do it. Do like Bing Crosby says and count your blessings. And feel free to call or write if I can ever be of assistance.
Your loving uncle,
Toby
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