Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A list

These are the things I'm going to do with my time. Some of them are overdue half-completed projects. Others are new things that I have all the resources for. I post this for myself and to keep me focused on how to stay driven. There's more to life.

-The long awaited meghan and phlip xmas presents. They're done, i think, i just need to mail them...
-my stick wall thing. This is hard to explain but when it's done, i'll post a picture. then you'll understand.
-clearing away all the junk in the studio/office place.
-altering clothes i have but don't wear into clothes I want to wear.
-some postcards and correspondences i need to mail.
-making more yogurt.
-baking my own crackers
-teaching myself to run( I was doing this for a while but I got busy with the show and was never able to stick to it 4 days a week. we're trying again)
-Paper crafts with contact paper.

Things to read:
Long Days Journey
lots of shakespeare
The brief wondrous life of oscar wao
all the pinter on the bookshelf
A long and fatal love chase
finish Pride and Predjudice

I don't expect this list to make a lot of sense. i get it. now just hold me to it.

life as a statistic

I found a bunch of emails in the back of my inbox today from 3 years ago. I read through them and there was a time, similar to this one where I was just as unemployed as i am now. Well, back then I was probably only half as unemployed as I am now. I'm three months in...creepin' up on a fourth.

I never would have imagined unemployed life this way. I get up, make my breakfast, and then spend the day on my computer applying for jobs, networking, seeking options. Thank God for Netflix. Thank God for books and This American Life and peanut butter. Sometimes I go to the gym, or on an interview or get fed up with the lack of possibilities and go to the grocery store and buy more celery. I eat a lot of celery because it combats all the sodium in all the popcorn i eat because it's cheap and low-fat and filling. it's an endless cycle, the popcorn vs. the celery. like this job hunt.

I find myself unmotivated sometimes. I still apply for jobs, but I've stopped applying for EVERYTHING. I know how to spot what will and will not pan out. I'm getting really good at bugging all the staffing agencies. Because, I mean, at this point i'm in the waiting place. where i just have to bide my time. and move as little as possible because when you're unclear on the possibility of your future, you don't want to misstep and accidentally spend money or hurt yourself.

I know all the different criticisms one might hand out to my situation: get a survival job, volunteer, accomplish all those fun crafting projects you always wanted to get done! All those things sound dandy. But when you use every ounce of motivation you have to just stay awake all day, it becomes a task to leave the house. and that there are NO survival jobs. everyone is in a hiring freeze. It doesn't help, of course, that the bulk of this unemployment has been in the middle of the crappy Chicago winter where everything is gray, but not super cold, but not warm enough to go outside and no snow.

Allow me to point out that I'm not complaining. I own my situation. I'm in it. I'll get out of it. I just need time and the stars to align in just the right way. The only real resource is hope. and love from friends and family.

which brings me to the people with whom i'm most pissed:

I don't know enough about US government or laws or politics to have the specifics, but when it comes right down to it, i feel fucked by the system. A system I've paid into with my heart and my wallet. I know i'm not alone. but I also feel so forgotten. There's a weird margin of us that don't have work that are TOTALLY qualified but can't catch a break because we're in the margins. We're not poor enough, we're not old enough, we're not young enough to get any special treatment. We're not rich enough to forget all our cares. We're powerless, somehow, even though we're the future.


I trust that this, too, shall pass. i know that there will be a happier time and perhaps(God forbid) a more desperate time than this. But maybe I bring all this up because I hope we don't forget. I hope we remember how gray this time was and how much responsibility we have on our shoulders now to make sure it never happens again. I hope we are aware and we are learning and we are prepared to create a change just as soon as we start gaining momentum once again.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Waiting for the phone to ring

It's been awhile, I know.  I haven't abandoned the art of the blog.  I'm sorry, blogger.  I neglected you.  I'll try to be better in the future.

I'm sitting here, in the final moments of a job process, waiting for the phone to ring to find out if I got the job i so desperately need and want.  I have made the final transfer from the savings account.  I'm broke, in more ways than one.

I keep praying the end is in sight.  I keep hoping that the universe is tired of this game, and ready for a new one.  I keep hoping I've been fortified enough from this experience to be allowed to move on.  But then I get scared that, no, actually, the road is so much longer than I thought.

I know I should enjoy this expanse of free time.  I know I should catch up on all sorts of projects.  But I'm better when I'm busy.  Those that have doubted this fact need only witness the past few months and note my increasing inability to leave my bed in the morning.  I'm not good at  giving myself deadlines and schedules when they only matter to me.  I can put anything off if I'm the only one it matters to.  Thus, I'm a good group-member.  I'll do anything for the group.

I sit here, in my pajamas, having gotten up "early" so as not to be totally lethargic all day, and wonder if change comes after I change, or if the change will change me.  I know what the answer to that is, but I'm running out of steam, and options.  I feel like I've been backed into a corner, and i hate that feeling.  I'm in the corner of a very big empty room, it feels.  

Today, I'll be going to the lake, I think.  I'll sit, and write, and ponder and perhaps take some pictures.  I wager that the biggest, most self-discovering stuff will happen now, when I'm completely empty and I have to find the true mettle, at the bottom of my tired, tired self.  

I know, the next step is to just start running toward something, anything at all. 
I wonder when my luck will change.   I still hope the phone will ring and I'll get the news I'm hoping for.  I guess i'm just tired.  Dunno.  Maybe should just sit and read and find perspective.  Or just go back to applying for more jobs.  

How did I get here?  What is going on?  

just good stories, right?